omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
