Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
