look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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