Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
just found out that she named her cat after me.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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