I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
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