when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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