i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Randomize
