He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
