I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
