how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I just blew my weed a kiss
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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