i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
