I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
