So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
