The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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