You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
