The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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