from now on my penis is your penis
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
