just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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