I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
