I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
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