I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
