would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
