watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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