I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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