god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
