If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
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