True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Randomize
