I just pynch a tree in the face
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
