Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
