sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
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