Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Randomize
