i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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