Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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