my mouth tastes like poor choices
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
