So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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