real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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