Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
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