i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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