What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
