Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
