hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
