I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Randomize
