why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
OPIZZABONMYDICK
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
