did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
