Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
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