Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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