Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Randomize
