I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Randomize
