Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Randomize
