I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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