Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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