Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
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